


Hello Crow

by Corvid_Knight



Series: Mutantstuck [21]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Homestuck, Marvel
Genre: Dadpool, FUCK I FORGOT TO PUT AMBROSE IN HERE SOMEWHERE, Gen, oh well, strider family vibes, trying to post when i'm half awake is interesting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 13:49:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20310529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Corvid_Knight/pseuds/Corvid_Knight
Summary: Dave's been teaching Neet to talk. (Or has he?)





	Hello Crow

You're not totally sure when Dave had the time to teach the bird to talk, but apparently he did. Scares the shit out of you the first time, too.

"D." 

"Fuck?" Yes, you would like to believe that you said something more impressive than that, but c'mon, it's a quarter to five in the morning and you were up later than you're prepared to admit last night with Wade. Vocabulary is not something that you can access right now. Brainpower in general is off limits at the moment, actually, which leaves you standing here with a coffee cup in your hand and a quart of milk in the other, staring (somewhat fuzzily) at the crow perched on the backsplash behind the sink. "Hey...the fuck?" 

"Breakfast." Neet's speaking voice is somehow rough and sweet at the same time, exactly what you expected from a crow with alien ancestry who's been taught to talk. A lot like the last talking crow that you encountered. You've encountered a lot of those over the years, actually. 

Wait, she asked you for something. "It's not breakfast time yet, sweetheart." 

"_Breakfast,_ D. Now." 

Well, damn. "Look, all I have is coffee, and I don't have _that_ yet." 

"Berries." 

"What?" 

"Berries. Fridge." 

Well...okay, the coffee isn't made yet, you might as well check. Cup on the counter, open the fridge...hey, she's right, somebody went shopping and picked up strawberries. Smart girl. 

"Do I need to wash these, or...?" 

"No. Give berries _now_." 

"Okay, cool." You close the fridge and lean back against the counter, picking a small-ish strawberry out of the box and holding it out to Neet. She spends a second examining it with one bright black eye, then starts pecking lil' birdy bites out of it. "Y'know, I get that this is probably a work in progress, but you'd think Dave'd teach you some manners at some point." 

Unsurprisingly, she doesn't even pause in her snack. What she does do is tell you, "Thank you," in between bites. 

Well, damn. "Smartass." 

"Smart bird. _Very_ smart."

"Yeah, yeah, you're very smart. Shut up and eat your berry." 

...huh. 

You're not very awake, but you feel like this isn't a normal conversation to be having. Maybe if you think about it for another couple seconds you can puzzle out what's off about it...

"D?" Well, that's not Neet. That's Hal. You wonder how long he's been standing in the doorway. "Who are you talking to?" 

Obviously not very long, then, if he didn't hear the crow say anything. "Just Neet. Why're you up?" 

"Dirk couldn't sleep, so I couldn't either." He shrugs and steps across to grab a cup out of the cabinet, reaching for the coffeepot and frowning as he pulls it half out. "...you didn't put coffee in this." 

"Wait, what?" Shit. Now that you look at it, he's right. That's just hot water tinted very lightly coffee colored by the ghosts of whatever coffee grounds are still in the machine. You probably need to clean the coffeemaker. Can you do that? You feel like you can do that with like, vinegar. Or something. You'll have Dave look it up. He likes taking shit apart, and cleaning a coffeemaker probably requires taking shit apart. Maybe. 

"D. Earth to big bro." Hal actually waves one hand in front of your face, startling you into dropping the berry. Neet lets out an indignant crow and dives to the floor after it. "Go back to bed." 

"But—" Why are you arguing? You'd like nothing more than to go snuggle up to Wade for another hour. Maybe two. Is there an argument against it? 

"I'll make you coffee," Hal offers, and yep, you have no reason to not go pass out. 

"Okay, you convinced me. See you in the morning, kid."

* * *

Two hours and some fun with Wade later, you vaguely remember that Neet said something to you but you have no real memory of what. Without the specifics, it's not like this even tips your weird meter—crows are smart, Neet's even smarter than a normal crow, Dave teaching her how to parrot words is pretty much a foregone conclusion at this point. 

Which is probably why you completely forget to ask the kid about it for a couple days. Possibly a couple weeks. Honestly, the only reason that you don't just forget it completely (or at least until she speaks up in front of you again) is because someone (you're guessing it's Roxy, since they're the only one who has any kind of common sense sometimes) decrees that it's time to round everybody up and go fuck around at the nearest park. 

Well...not the _nearest_ one. You're no longer welcome there, thanks to a conversation between Wade, Davesprite, and two idiot teenagers who insisted that tossing the pulltabs off soda cans to the ducks to eat was a fun activity despite much evidence to the contrary. Eh, at least you're pretty sure those douchebags won't be feeding birds aluminum in the near or far future. And it's not like it's _that_ much more of a drive to the one you're all allowed in. 

The downside is that this one does not have a lake, which means no ducks or swans. Davesprite drapes himself melodramatically over a handy boulder and sulks for a full eight minutes. (Wade times it.) That's how long it takes Neet to disappear off somewhere in the bushes with Davepeta and Nepet in hot pursuit—who even brought Nepeta? More to the point, how many other trolls are you theoretically babysitting right now? 

Anyway. There's a lot of screeching, both from the two kids and from more than one crow. It lasts for about three minutes; then she pops into existance just above your shoulder, dropping the few inches down to land way too solidly and digging her talons through your shirt and into your skin. 

"Food, D!" 

Oh, yeah. You forgot about the whole talking thing. "Uh, Wade, you got the sunflower seeds...right?" 

"We need those now?" 

"Now!" Neet echoes him, and if the douche wasn't grinning you'd be actively worried. But he is, and you _probably_ don't need to freak yet—yep, there you go, he's digging in one of the pouches on his hip, there's the baggie of unsalted seeds— 

...aaaand there's the murder of crows. While technically as few as three crows count as a murder, the group that Neet's recruited is closer to ten or fifteen—there's no way you can get a headcount until they quit diving at Wade. Seems like the percentage of ex-pet crows is just as high here as it was in Houston, because mixed in with the caws you can hear several voices shrieking for _food_ and _seeds_. 

Davesprite, who's evidently gotten over his sulky spell, darts through the obstacle course of screaming black birds to snatch the bag of sunflower seeds out of Wade's hand, since that dumbass can't seem to remember what he's supposed to do here. Davesprite knows exactly what he's doing, though—he dodges Davepeta's attempt to steal the bag, spreads his wings wide and shrieks out one impossibly loud caw before scooping out a handful of delicious sunflower seeds and flinging them out like he's some kind of literary or metaphorical sower of grain. 

The crows abruptly shut up. Seeing that many wild birds all do something at once is hella impressive, even when they're just all landing to peck sunflower seeds from the grass. 

"Seeds," Neet demands, pecking almost gently at your neck. _Almost._ "Mine." 

"Then go get 'em, princess." Yeah, you're bluffing. One of the wild crows looks up and spits out a garbled word as you step around it, but nobody pecks you on your way to reach into Davesprite's bag of seeds and retrieve a handful of them for the crow on your shoulder. "Happy?" 

"Thank you." 

"Aw, Dave's been working on your manners, huh?" 

"I've been what?" 

Oh yeah, you were gonna ask him about that. "What? Neet's getting better at talking, that's all." 

"...what?" Dave's staring at you. Why is he doing that. 

"What, you didn't teach her? If she just learned herself, she's a hell of a lot smarter than we're giving her credit for. Which is like, yeah, _really_ smart." 

He's _still_ staring at you. Wade's also staring at you. As are Dirk and Hal. The only ones who aren't giving you the kind of look usually reserved for the obviously delusional are the god damn crows. It's a very specific look—equal parts concern and confusion, with understanding thrown in for Wade's and determined planning in Dirk's. Yes, planning is an emotion that can be present in an expression. No, you cannot explain why. 

"Stop that." 

"D, Neet doesn't talk." Dave says it like it's nothing but a fact. He's almost certain enough that _you_ believe it. "Like, maybe we could teach her but—" 

"Are you kidding me right now?" Neet squawks as you reach up to coax her from your shoulder to your wrist. It's probably a mistake, since you don't have even the thin layer of fabric covering your arm. If you're not bleeding now, you will be in a minute. "Neet, tell me what you want." 

She twists her head around to an angle that just looks wrong, blinking at you with one beady little eye. "Won't." 

"Oh come on, you stubborn brat. I'm not gonna feed you anymore if you're going to be like that." 

"Bitch." Birds can't roll their eyes, but that one word gives you the aural equivalent. "Seeds. Want seeds. Sunflower seeds." 

"_Thank_ you." Because you're fairly sure that she'll take horrible revenge if you don't deliver on what's been asked of you, you shove your hand back in the bag and get another handful of seeds—sending maybe half the handful scattering to the ground around your feet in the process. That's answered with another chorus of "food!" from the wild crows, which... "Hey, wait." 

"We're waiting," Dirk points out much more dryly than you feel is warranted. 

"Am I the only one hearing this?" 

"You seem to be." Hal shrugs, holding out one hand and clicking his tongue at Neet. Even though you're the one who's got the food, she abandons you without hesitation, claws digging into your wrist as she takes flight. Traitor. "You didn't start any new meds, did you?" 

"Thanks for your vote of confidence, Hal." And, because he's still looking at you expectantly, "No, I'm not on anything that I haven't been on for long enough to rule out side effects, the crows are just talking." 

"The crows aren't talking." 

"Shut _up,_ Dirk. Wade, maybe back me up?" 

"Sorry, hot stuff, but you're the only one hearing anything here." Unlike the kids, Wade's got a god damn _smirk_ right now, like everything is much, much funnier than it should be. "Guess what?" 

Hoo boy. You don't think you're gonna like the _what._ Still... "What?" 

"I bet you...how about ten bucks? I bet you ten bucks this is a mutant thing?" 

Honestly, that blindsides you. Shuts you up for long enough that everyone (other than Nepeta and Davepeta, who still haven't emerged from the bushes, and the crows, who don't seem to give a fuck about what's happening as long as they get more sunflower seeds) starts talking at once. Once you get over your moment of what the fuck, you seriously consider adding to the cacophany, but would that really help? 

No. No it would not. It's still tempting, but it would not fucking help. Instead, you cross your arms and give Wade The Look. He must know what that look means, because he snorts one more time and then stops laughing. You kind of wish that the next thing that he did wasn't pulling a gun from somewhere, but hey, it's something. 

And he does _not_ shoot anyone, which is...good. You're pretty sure that firing into the air isn't exactly legal inside city limits, but...yeah. It's fine. Totally fine. Everyone's shut up, so it's fine. Do you know what to do now that everyone's shut up? 

Nope. 

Dave does, though. He stares at Wade for a couple seconds, then groans and stalks past him (grabbing the gun and flicking the safety back on in the process) right to Hal.Well, to Neet, but she's on Hal's shoulder, so Dave might as well be aiming for him in the first place. 

You feel a little better about her earlier desertion when she hops over to Dave's hand just as easy. 

"Wade, get behind him." 

"Wait, why—" You love him but having him where you can't see him often leads to interesting and unfortunate situations. Dave grabs your arm when you try to turn to keep an eye on him, though. 

"It's called science, D, look it up—okay, so what's gonna happen is Wade's gonna hold up fingers and you're gonna have Neet tell you how many, alright?" 

Sounds fair to you. "Yeah, that's—" 

"Nope." Neet follows that up with a sound that's almost a purr, preening her wing feathers down. 

Fuck. "I will give you as many berries as you want when we get home." 

"Berries!" 

"If you cooperate. _If._" 

Funny. A crow sulking looks _exactly_ how you thought it would. She gets over it pretty quick, though, which is nice since you'd prefer to not have everyone dubious about your sanity for much longer than necessary. Dave's enough in tune with the crow to read her mood, too—you see him nod and grin at Wade in an obvious okay to start this goddamn experiment. 

"Four." 

"Four," you echo. 

"Two." 

"Two."

"Fuck you." 

"Wait, what?" Oh come on, you're echoing her perfectly, why the hell would she— 

"Fuck you? Fuck you." Neet caws and flaps her wings twice, giving you the avian equivalent of the evil eye. "Say it, fuck you!" 

"Okay, okay, sheesh, fuck you!" 

Behind you, Wade starts laughing. You can't really help it—you turn around to glare at him. 

Oh. Oh, okay. He's still got his hands up in the same configuration that Neet was informing you of—both hands up, middle fingers out. Yeah, you guess that counts as _fuck you_. She could've gone with just the number, though. "Wade. Bitch. If you don't stop laughing I'm gonna shoot you." 

Dave's grinning, but you see the quick flash of alarm that flashes across his face. It's a lot more subtle than his next reaction, which is to toss the gun he's still holding to Davesprite...who catches it and promptly dives off the cleared area and into the underbrush. 

Aw, _fuck._ Now you have three kids present, three kids that you're gonna have to hunt down and drag out of the bushes. Plus the real problem, which that you are, apparently, a _metahuman_, and that the percentage of crows that know how to talk is much, much lower than you've always assumed it is. 

Today is a day for learning things, apparently. 

"Wade? Stop laughing at me and get up off the ground before the crows eat you, please."

**Author's Note:**

> yes, D managed to go his whole life without realizing that not everyone can hear corvids talking. god i love him.
> 
> [now with art and speculation by tardisclan672!](https://knight-of-heart-and-art.tumblr.com/post/187427939091/tardisclan672-submitted-look-im-not-saying)


End file.
